


someone has to leave first

by kaminoh (talksmaths)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, set after tfa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:28:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22179322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talksmaths/pseuds/kaminoh
Summary: Finn recovers from his injuries in time. Poe is there to help him heal.Or, in which Finn doesn't make it to the end.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "This is a very old story. Someone has to leave first. There is no other version of this story."  
> \--Richard Siken, 'The Worm King's Lullaby'

When he opens his eyes, he’s not any more rested than before. His back aches from slouching in the chair. He uncrosses his arms and pushes his back straight against the chair, hands gripping the small arms of the chair tight as he suddenly becomes too familiar with the knots in his spine. As he brings himself to sit up, his feet fall to the floor from Finn’s bed. Poe vaguely remembers putting his feet up on Finn’s bed so he would feel if Finn moved.

There had been nothing.

For all of the pain and soreness his muscles have to offer, he knows he couldn’t have slept in his bed. He imagined being woken up by a call or knocks on his door, but they wouldn’t be fast and worried, telling him to come quick. They would all be after the fact, calm but solemn. He couldn’t bring himself to not be right there if anything happened. He couldn’t do that to Finn. Not after everything. 

Poe looks over each monitor in the room. He knows one is for blood pressure, one for heartrate, but there are...fuck, there’s  _ eight _ others he doesn’t understand. He studies each mystery one, looking for the patterns they offer. He stops himself almost successfully from thinking about how fucking close Finn must have been to dying if he needs all of these monitors.

When he decides that all of them are probably reading what they have all night, he decides to leave Finn’s room. He all but runs into Dr. Kalonia. She seems to know that he can’t form words, or at least has the grace to not laugh at him for it.

“Finn is stable,” she says. “He’s going to need a lot of physical therapy and medication, and the wound will take a long time to scar, but there are no other signs of lasting damage.”

“But he’s not awake.”

Dr. Kalonia all but stifles an annoyed glance. “His body is fighting hard enough to keep him alive. That’s not a big priority.”

Poe watches as she rifles through her clipboard. “He will probably be released for PT in around six months, at the very least, so you don’t--”

“Six  _ months _ ?” Poe says. “But you said he was stable. How is it going to take six months for him to be released?”

Dr. Kalonia’s patience for Poe is wearing thin. “Have you ever been sliced with a lightsaber? The wound was instantly cauterized. For it to heal properly, we had to re-open the wound and repair everything. There are few people who deserve to be conscious after that kind of ordeal.” 

“It’ll take six months for--?”

“It’ll take six months before he doesn’t need round-the-clock care,” she cuts him off. “He will need to relearn how to walk. He will need dressing to his wound three times a day. And that’s if everything goes perfectly.”

She reaches past Poe and places a sheet from the board on the wall next to the door, where a compartment receives it and then closes itself completely. “The sedative should wear off in about 8 hours. Come back then if you still want to bother me.”

“Shit,” Poe says to himself. “I need me some of that.”

Dr. Kalonia rolls her eyes, but Poe can tell she’s fighting a smile. 

“Dameron, your trooper will be fine. Trust us. Go get some real sleep.”

Poe offers a tight-lipped smile. He doesn’t know a polite way to tell her that was the only thing he couldn’t bring himself to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Dr. Kalonia’s reassurance doesn’t dispel his fear. Every time he hears any noise from outside his room, he wakes with a jolt, chest heavy and finding the air far too thin. 

Only a few hours need to pass before his shift in the hangar begins, so he goes there after grabbing food, only to eat a small portion and then throw it up.

He grabs a creeper and immediately gets to work on the underside of his ship, looking for any signs of damage he may have missed. He quickly finds a damaged plate and goes to work unscrewing bolts to free it for repairs. He gets three off without issue, but the last carries the damage of the rest of the plate, making it impossible to remove.

He attempts a hammer to flatten the plate near the screw, to no avail. He tries a rubber mallet. He tries the handle of the screwdriver. He jams in every piece of equipment he can find to try to get it even somewhat looser. 

Nothing happens.

“Fucking shit!” he yells, pounding the plate with the side of his fist. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

An outside force suddenly pulls his creeper out. He winces at the suddenly bright light.

“Will you stop?” 

Jess Pava had used the toe of her boot to pull Poe out. She looms over him.

Poe says nothing.

She reaches out her arm, and Poe takes it, bringing himself to his feet.

“ _ What _ is your problem?” she hisses. “This isn’t like you.”

He says nothing. He tries to pass by her to return to work, but she grabs his arm.

“You’re going to end up taking your ship apart piece by piece if you keep this up.” She takes the tool from his hand, now much more scratched and dented than before. She looks at him, then it, and sighs.

“Come back tomorrow.”

“Jess, I--”

“Come back tomorrow. Okay?” 

He knew it was less of a question and more of a command. He was more upset, however, that he knew she was acting in his best interest. He knew his handle on keeping everything together was failing.

He gives her a curt nod before leaving the hangar. He ignores the eyes on him as best as he can ignore pinpricks of fire on his back.

  
  


\-----

Temporarily barred from the sanctuary of the hangar and knowing he won’t find sleep, he goes back to the medbay, hoping Dr. Kalonia won’t all but drag him out.

When he finds Finn’s room, what strikes him first, like a kick to the ribs, is the empty bed.

The sheets are stripped. All the monitors are dead, black, and still. Poe feels his stomach knot painfully. It must have just happened. There hasn’t even been time to put clean sheets on. He just missed it. He  _ just _ fucking missed it.

He swallows dryly, trying to keep his hands from shaking, trying to--

“Is there something you’re looking for?”

Poe whips around. He can’t even bring himself to reply.

“I heard you had come in, and I wanted to make sure I saw you.”

Poe can’t stop tears from coming to his eyes, and Finn’s expression sobers, almost to panic. He leans down to embrace Finn as tight as he can in his wheelchair, loosening only when Finn hisses in pain. 

“What’s wrong?” Finn asks in a small, soft voice.

“I thought you died,” Poe laughs darkly, then clears his throat of tears. 

Finn worries his lip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t know.”

Poe rubs his face, trying to push away any trace in his mind of the reality in which Finn is dead. “Why did you think I had come back?”

“I thought you had received a message that I was being released. That’s what I was told.... Anyway, I--I’m being released to free up a bed, going to the ICU.”

_ That’s right _ , Poe remembers.  _ Six months. Six fucking months until-- _

“You just need round-the-clock care, right? Dressing three times a day and meds? I can do that.”

“Poe, I can’t ask that of you.”

Finn’s eyes are bright but firm. It makes Poe want to cry all over again.

“Well,  _ I _ can do that. You can stay with me. I’ll get a cot so you can have the bed. You don’t have to get stuck in this place.” He walks past Finn, looking for any sign of Dr. Kalonia.

“Poe--”

He turns on a dime. “Would you not do the same for me?”

Finn eventually nods. As Poe begins to all but run down the corridor, Finn grabs his hand and Poe finds himself unable to move.

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

His eyes are pleading like he’s desperate to make Poe realize the mistake that taking him in would be. Poe’s hand in Finn’s feels like it’s disconnected from his body.

“You never could be. I promise you.”

Poe manages to rub his thumb over Finn’s fingers once before nearly skipping away to find Dr. Kalonia.


	3. Chapter 3

He had few belongings and a bigger-than-average room, but Poe still regretted not cleaning before Finn moved in.

He hurriedly piles together dirty clothes in a hamper, stuffs shit in drawers, and feels a twinge of shame creep up the back of his neck for not doing anything with the messy bedsheets. 

“Bed’s clean, I promise,” Poe says as he straightens out the wrinkle-lined sheets. He looks over to see Finn smiling, laughing to himself.

“I believe you.”

Poe flashes a smile back. “I’ll go get a cot, and then get us some food. Sound good?”

Finn nods. “You think you could help me in the bed? The few sections of my back I can still feel are sore from how rough this chair is.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely,” Poe says. “Do you want me to scoop you up?”

Finn shakes his head. “Uh, yeah, probably. Didn’t really think this through yet. Maybe go under my knees and by the middle of my back?”

Poe nods. He gets one arm under Finn’s legs and another behind his back, hanging on gently to Finn’s side. He’s not prepared for Finn wrapping both his arms around Poe’s neck and pressing their cheeks together, and Poe nearly drops him. Finn hisses and Poe feels his face redden. Fuck, he couldn’t keep himself together like a fucking boy with a crush and hurt Finn. What the fuck was his problem?

He lay Finn as gently as he can into the bed, giving him a pillow to put behind his back. He sits with his back against the wall, his legs straight out.

“Thank you,” Finn says. “Sorry for making that hard work.”

Poe’s eyebrows knot for a moment in confusion, and then it clicks. Poe realizes how hard he’s breathing. Finn thinks he was heavy, and Poe was panting over the physical demand.

_ Ah _ .

“Someone’s gotta keep me in shape,” Poe says, but his voice doesn’t sound as carefree as he’d hoped. “I’ll bring us dinner. Give me 15 minutes, tops.”

  
  


\-----

Poe enters his room to Finn looking both skittish and annoyed. Chirping from the other side of the bed makes him laugh.

[I want to study him.]

“BB, leave him alone,” he says, handing a tray to Finn. Poe climbs onto the foot of the bed, careful to give Finn as much room as he can. He can see BB looking up at Finn in its usual inquisitive, bright manner. Finn’s nose is wrinkled like it’s a mouse, and Poe can’t help but laugh again.

“Never had droids before?”

“Not like this,” he says, poorly hiding distaste.

[Rude.]

Poe smirks, then catches Finn’s sideways glance. “It thinks you’re rude.”

BB-8 begins to chirp loudly and frantically, making them both laugh. 

“It seems almost like a pet. It’s not the kind of relationship with a droid I’ve ever seen before.”

Finn begins to dig into his food, leaving Poe to imagine what Finn’s life must have been like. The more he thinks about it, the less he wants to eat. BB-8 has nothing to say, instead looking between the two of them.

“We’ve been with each other long enough. Once you know binary, the little bastards won’t shut up.”

BB-8 rolled back, as if appalled. [You’re one to talk.]

Poe nodded, smiling to himself. 

Finn pushes the remainder of the mushy food on his tray. “Can I ask you a question?”

Poe nods, scanning Finn’s face for some hint as to what he might ask. After a few moments, Finn looks up at him.

“What was it like growing up in a family?”

Poe feels his chest tighten in sadness, thinking about Finn having to ask the question at all, but he pushes it away. “It’s...good. I was lucky to have parents that loved me unconditionally. My mom died a while ago, and I miss her, of course, but I know I was lucky to have had her at all.”

“I’m sorry,” Finn says softly. The tightness in Poe’s chest returns. 

“I love them and I know they loved me. That’s what’s most important.”

“How do you know?” Finn asks. “I mean, how do you know if someone loves you?”

Poe swallows, hoping Finn can’t hear it. “When someone puts your happiness before their own, I suppose.”

Finn nods, thinking, returning to pushing his food around. Uncomfortable in the silence, Poe gets two glasses of water and sets one on the dresser behind him.

“So you love me?”

Poe chokes on his water, making Finn’s eyes widen and BB-8 offer a sarcastic [Are you okay?]

Finn seems confused. “Sorry, I didn’t mean--”

“No, no, I know,” Poe cuts him off as he clears his throat. “It’s okay. It just caught me off guard,” he laughs.

“Why?”

Finn is completely serious. Out of the corner of his eye, Poe can see BB-8 look at him, then Finn, then back at Poe.

[Ohhhh,] he chirps, suddenly understanding.

Poe flicks his fork at the droid. Finn watches, confused.

“I--uh--well, there are different kinds of love. It depends on who it is you love, and, uh--”

Finn is awaiting an answer seriously. Poe feels like his skin might burn his clothes off.

“I love my parents. I love my crew. I mostly love BB-8. But that’s different than what you said.”

“Oh,” Finn says quietly. Poe can tell he’s thinking through the confusing mess Poe has offered him.

“Well, uh--it’s like this. I have a different relationship with my parents than I do my crew than I do with BB-8, right? Those are all different kinds of love.”

“But you put all of their happiness before your own, don’t you?”

Poe nods slowly. “I do.”

“And you let me stay with you, even though you didn’t have to, because you knew it would make me happy.”

Poe feels blush bloom in his cheeks.  _ He wanted to stay with me? It makes him  _ happy _? _

“Yeah, y--right,” he stammers. “You’re right.”

“I’m still confused.”

Poe sighs, not out of annoyance with Finn, but frustration with himself. BB-8 laughs at the hole he’s dug himself in.

“I guess...the only way to explain it is that it’s more...close. It’s intimate. In a lot of ways. I love my parents and my crew and BB-8, but that’s not the same as being  _ in  _ love. Being in love is...bigger, I suppose. It’s more important. It feels like you have found what you’ve been waiting for your whole life, even if you never realized it until the person was in front of you. And if they are in love with you, too...It feels like you can do anything.”

Finn blinks, parceling out the information in his mind, distant and studious. Poe finishes his glass in the futile attempt to quell the flames in his stomach and skin.

“Are you in love?”

Poe tights his hands around his glass. Because he’s definitely not running away from the question, he takes his tray and Finn’s and puts them on his dresser, passing Finn his glass of water before sitting back down on the bed.

“Yes,” Poe says in a mostly even tone.

Finn nods. He takes a drink, looks to set it down somewhere, then realizes the nearest surface is too far for him to reach. BB-8 rolls toward him and offers a claw to hold it. Finn grimaces slightly, but gives the cup to the droid, who then sets it on the dresser behind Poe. 

“I think I’m in love with you then, Poe.”

Poe chokes on his spit and immediately covers his mouth, trying to play it off as a cough. 

“What?” Poe asks, barely audible.

“Based on the definitions you’ve given me, the descriptions--it matches for me. I think. Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds very similar.”

“I--uh--Finn, it’s not a diagnosis,” Poe chokes out. “You can’t--ah--I--it’s--”

Finn tilts his head. Completely fucking unaware. Poe’s chest is so tight he thinks he might not live through the night.

“You--when you realize you’re in love with someone, there’s--things come first. You get anxious talking to them. You get flustered. You are hesitant to tell them you love them because that level of trust is so intimate. You--uh--” Poe swallows, pulling his legs cross-legged and placing one hand on a knee. “I--uh--”

“Ohhh,” Finn says, nodding in understanding. “Like you are?”

Poe’s face somehow burns even hotter. He covers his face in his hands, muttering a “Fucking shit” to himself. He rubs his face aggressively, pulling his hands through his hair hard.

“So...okay. So you’re in love with _me_. I understand now.”

“I don’t think you do,” Poe laughs sardonically, feeling almost hysterical. 

“You’re embodying all of the necessary predecessors. You did kind things for me because you put my happiness before your own. What other explanation could it be?”

Poe searches Finn’s face for any hint that this is some kind of elaborate joke. He can’t find anything.

_ Fucking shit _ .

Poe swallows, tries to calm his pulse with a few deep breaths, and squeezes his knee until it hurts before releasing.

“I--uh--okay, yeah. You’re right.”

He looks at Finn’s eyes, bright and wonderful. 

_ Fucking, fucking shit. _

“I’m in love with you, Finn.”

Finn nods, searching Poe’s pace in such a studious way that it makes him feel more exposed than he’d ever felt before. He wanted to run away and kiss him at once.

“Do you think I’ll be in love with you?” FInn asks. He really, truly, actually sounds like he’s trying to predict the movement of a contagion. 

Poe laughs in disbelief of the entire situation. “If I’m very, very lucky,” he says quietly.

Something in Finn’s eyes seems to move, melt, comprehend in some way. He opens his mouth to say something and Poe feels his chest tighten even more.  _ Maybe he’s finally getting it. Maybe-- _

BB-8 makes a loud, shrill noise that makes both men flinch. It’s not binary, though; it’s something else.

“BB, what is your problem?”

[His wound needs fresh dressing every 8 hours. I made an alarm so you would not forget. Because you would have.]

Poe sighs, annoyed. “Well, it didn’t need to be so loud.” He turns to Finn, who still looks surprised “BB says it set an alarm to remind me to change your bandage.”

Finn nods. He looks at Poe, and Poe can see something else in Finn’s eyes, but he doesn’t know what exactly. Finn plays with the sheet by his hand, gripping and releasing. 

_ He’s nervous _ , Poe realizes.  _ Oh, fucking shit _ .

“Hey,” he says, getting the bandages and gel from by the side of the bed he was sitting on. “I know I’m no Kalonia, but I know what I’m doing. I’ve played nurse more often than I’d like.”

“I trust you,” Finn says. “I--I think I get it.”

“What?”

“Why you were...nervous. Kind of. I think. But I don’t know why me.” Finn leans forward slightly, and he is able to pull off the loose-fitting shirt he received from medbay, since he didn’t have his own clothes.

Poe’s face burns anew and fucking shit, he doesn’t know how he still has skin. “I--I don’t know. It’s not a choice. It’s more like...it just happens, even if you don’t understand why at first. But then, you put it together.” He gently pushes himself across the bed, closer to Finn. Finn turns so that his legs hang off the side of the bed. When Poe begins to unwrap the bandage, Finn’s back tenses, muscles hard under his skin. Poe licks his lips. Focusing.

“Can you tell me what that’s like?”

Poe shakes his head at himself.  _ I was either very good or very bad to deserve this conversation. Fucking shit.  _ “Yeah.” He pulls off the rest of the bandage, looking in a sobering horror at Finn’s scar. It was almost the entire length of his back, but the section around his middle and lower back, where the bandage was, was by far the most sensitive; it was still bleeding. Poe applied the bactagel first, feeling his stomach knot in a very-not-appropriate way at hearing Finn suck in a breath, watching him grip the sheets. 

“You’re brave and kind when you have every reason not to be. That’s a beautiful thing.”

Finn turns his head slightly toward Poe. Poe begins to wrap new bandage around his torso, bringing his hands beneath Finn’s arms, skin brushing repeatedly, warm and impossibly soft.

“I knew I couldn’t let you go from the moment we met. I was afraid I would lose you.” Poe cuts off the bandage from the roll, making sure it stays affixed. When he’s sure it will, he replaces Finn’s shirt. “I stayed in your medbay room until Kalonia kicked me out,” he laughs. “I love you more than I realized.”

Finn only winces slightly when he pushes himself back against the wall. He looks at Poe, eyes fresh with a new brightness. “Thank you,” he says. “I...I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Poe stands, taking the trays from the dresser. “I’m going to return these and get a cot. Give me 10 minutes, tops.”

\----

When Poe returns, Finn looks over him with big eyes.

“Is something wrong?” Poe begins to maneuver the cot into a corner of the room, making sure it’s pressed against the wall before releasing the lever and laying it flat. BB-8 is powered down on its charging station.

“No,” Finn says. “I--I hope I’m in love with you soon.”

Poe swallows, nodding. “Yeah. Me too.”

He turns the light off, making sure Finn is asleep before he lets his internal dams break. He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes.  _ Fucking shit. Fucking shit.  _ Poe bared his heart to Finn and Finn didn’t understand. Poe understands why. But what feels like a leech in his bones is that Finn now feels like he has to reciprocate. This wasn’t organic; he felt pressured. Because Poe couldn’t resist and couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut. Fucking shit, it was so inappropriate for him to have done that. The guy just gains consciousness and Poe whisks him away to his bedroom, confesses his love, and Finn feels out of place.

How could this have been everything Poe wanted and still have gone so poorly?

How could he have been so fucking selfish?

Feeling waves of nausea threaten to send his dinner topside, he sits on the edge of the cot, head in his hands, breathing deep. He stops suddenly when he hears Finn groan in his sleep. Poe slowly walks over, examining. He puts his hand on Finn’s, and Finn stills. When Poe pulls his hand away a few moments later, the movement begins again.

Sighing, annoyed at himself, his exhaustion, and his mistakes, he pulls the cot closer to the bed. He is able to sit it up at a ninety-degree angle, meaning he can prop his legs on the bed and across Finn’s, like he did in medbay. Poe crosses his arms and rests his head on his shoulder. His muscles fucking ache at being in this position again, but Finn is finally snoring.

Poe knows he won’t move the rest of the night.


End file.
